If only it could be true...

I keep having these dreams
Of you and me
Feeling alone but being together
When I wake up
you've left my side
leaving all loneliness behind
I never thought I'd feel like this

I keep having these dreams
Of you and me
So in love, that every touch
seems like a new spark
But when I wake up

You've left my side
Leaving no trace
I never thought love could be like this

I keep having these dreams, you see
Dreams where you hold and love me
Dreams where you know
All the things I dare not say
Dreams where all I see in your eyes is love
And you whisper of eternal love

But the reality is cruel
And I'm only another little fool
I'll never know how you feel
or if any of it could become real
For all that really matters
is your happiness

Your ignorance seems lethal to me

I wuz not sad :I

I was not gonna be sad,I swear I tried to stay happy, but I failed... I just wanna die... It's not fair! why can't I be as happy as they seem? they're happily in love, sneaking of in the middle of class, together, though most people don't know... I'd want to be like that? so how come I can't? :(

I guess it's because I'm busy? unlike most of my classmates, I tend to do all of my homework, and send in all of our reports and essays, in good time, which means not the night before due date.
And it takes alot of my sparetime I know that, but I still get alot of sleep and I try to seem as happy as I can :I

But as soon as I'm alone, I get an urge to curl up in the corner and cry untill there's nothing left inside of me. Everything just gets worse... I guess I just can't really cope with lonelyness...

I'm sad, oh so sad.

There are tons of beautiful young girls out there.. but I won't ever be one of you
So please, let me just sit here for a while, pity my self
and start digging a grave for a less beautiful mind....

God gave us
Eyes to see
Smiles to give
Lips to kiss
Hands to hold
And minds to think of one another
But to me these things don't seems to come easy

It seems to be
That the world and me
Have lost our beauty
If we ever had any

Our Love

Oh darling
We could have a ball
You and I
A privat little war
Only let the world see our smiles
As we kill eachother softly
Never letting go
Breaking every bone

Oh darling
we could have a feast
you and I
release the inner beasts
Tears and blood
Unite in a sweet sacrifice
no one survives

Oh darling
we could celebrate
you and I
Each others deaths
Women will cry, Children shall weep
but no one will ever see
what we hid underneath

Oh darling
Let us disappear
you and I
into the night
and let them sleep tight
under the bloody stars

True story bro :s

Well.. I haven't been feeling well lately... and since this seems to by my spot to unleash the feelings that I hide everywhere else I just have to get this of my chest... even though I know it wont make anything any better.

I hate myself... or well... I have learned to tolerance myself but Me and myself don't really get along that well.. at the boarding where I was last my self hatred wasn't really that big a problem, because I would have friends and people that loved me, around me at all times. Seeing how that could live with me made it easier for me to respect that I was the way that I am. But now as all my dearest friends are far away, mentally or physically, it seems that I can't  bear my own inner struggles.
   Please don't misunderstand me. It's not like I don't have any friends where I am right now, it's just that they're so much more perfect then I can ever be, and people just love my friends, when they see me as more of an freak or loner or simple just an outsider beyond saving. And because I feel like thay see me that way I don't really feel welcome, which is probably totally bull-shit because I'm saving all their asses at least once a week when I give them our homework. Well.. my newly found friends (whom I looooove <3) are gettin hit on by guys I've been crushing on for months now, and this is one of the main reason for me to look upon myself as a worthless stupid imperfect creature. And this hatred so to say, against my own being is devouring me, Everyday it gets a little worse and I just don't feel like going through it, but I don't know how to end it. everyday I get more depressed and angry, and I let this anger out on my surroundings.. I hurt people around me and I point out their flaws all the time, I push them harder then I should and I feel so guilty all the time, because I don't want to treat my friends like that, they don't deserve it, but they don't know anything about how I feel - which means I don't have anyone to talk to about all these things, instead I just think about it and I know I'm just another teenager, and there are probably thousands out there who feel like me, but that just makes me even angrier, because even tho' I know I'm not alone I just keep on complaining all the time.. Like some little spoiled brat.. I HATE IT!!!

I'm really sorry that I wrote that much about nothing.. and if you read this I apologize for my being.

Please don't hate me, it makes everything so much worse.

Blue Thursday

I tell you I love you
and you say you love me too
We're living a perfect illusion
where I know parts and bits about you
and you barely know me at all
we keep each other safe
humans won't ever be perfect
and I ask you doubtfully
"Will it ever REALLY be worth it?"
I keep trying to repress my feeling
for nobody to get hurt

I hide everything from them
And sit here with you
desperate thought acquires my mind
what if I'd let them see me
when my creativity floats
If I'd let them know my true self
Or if I was more open to the world
I'd do just about anything
just for you to see
anything I could be

The poem Is my own but the picture is from a wonderful movie by Tim Burton called Corpe Bride <3

Please... don't hate me

Alrighties...
"Everything sounds creepy when you're not wearing pants" - new girl

Right.. anyway...

Lately I've been having that splendid feeling that my life is slowing going directly to hell, I've been stressed 'bout my homework, not doing it at all, wayyyyy to sleepy all the time, and I have this like... depressed feeling in my stomach half the time when I'm home so... I'm just being nerdy and lonely and not talking to anybody about this and thought:
Hey! You have a blog right? Lets post every thought you have right now, on that blog :D It's not like anybody you know is ever gonna read that! ;D ( oh dear god I truly hope not o.o )

Well.. typical teenage girl situation going on here so.. nothing to do here :flies away: right?

I guess.. I just have to get used to being this much by myself... It's just starting to bother me... I mean... last year I barely had any time where I was just me... all alone o.o and now at least 40% of my wake hours I'm just sitting not knowing what to do... and defiantly not feeling like doing my homework D:

I got my midterm grades last friday... and it's not like they're bad or anything... actually they're alright, and would be satisfacting for the most people... I just can't help it but feel disappointed ):

I guess I'll be okaii soon...


All the best of luck in this mad mad world my darlings <3








Keep on aiming for the blue blue sky
There ain't nothing wrong with crying
we all get hurt sometimes
I got hurt... before I found my way
back into your arms