True story bro :s

Well.. I haven't been feeling well lately... and since this seems to by my spot to unleash the feelings that I hide everywhere else I just have to get this of my chest... even though I know it wont make anything any better.

I hate myself... or well... I have learned to tolerance myself but Me and myself don't really get along that well.. at the boarding where I was last my self hatred wasn't really that big a problem, because I would have friends and people that loved me, around me at all times. Seeing how that could live with me made it easier for me to respect that I was the way that I am. But now as all my dearest friends are far away, mentally or physically, it seems that I can't  bear my own inner struggles.
   Please don't misunderstand me. It's not like I don't have any friends where I am right now, it's just that they're so much more perfect then I can ever be, and people just love my friends, when they see me as more of an freak or loner or simple just an outsider beyond saving. And because I feel like thay see me that way I don't really feel welcome, which is probably totally bull-shit because I'm saving all their asses at least once a week when I give them our homework. Well.. my newly found friends (whom I looooove <3) are gettin hit on by guys I've been crushing on for months now, and this is one of the main reason for me to look upon myself as a worthless stupid imperfect creature. And this hatred so to say, against my own being is devouring me, Everyday it gets a little worse and I just don't feel like going through it, but I don't know how to end it. everyday I get more depressed and angry, and I let this anger out on my surroundings.. I hurt people around me and I point out their flaws all the time, I push them harder then I should and I feel so guilty all the time, because I don't want to treat my friends like that, they don't deserve it, but they don't know anything about how I feel - which means I don't have anyone to talk to about all these things, instead I just think about it and I know I'm just another teenager, and there are probably thousands out there who feel like me, but that just makes me even angrier, because even tho' I know I'm not alone I just keep on complaining all the time.. Like some little spoiled brat.. I HATE IT!!!

I'm really sorry that I wrote that much about nothing.. and if you read this I apologize for my being.

Please don't hate me, it makes everything so much worse.

Blue Thursday

I tell you I love you
and you say you love me too
We're living a perfect illusion
where I know parts and bits about you
and you barely know me at all
we keep each other safe
humans won't ever be perfect
and I ask you doubtfully
"Will it ever REALLY be worth it?"
I keep trying to repress my feeling
for nobody to get hurt

I hide everything from them
And sit here with you
desperate thought acquires my mind
what if I'd let them see me
when my creativity floats
If I'd let them know my true self
Or if I was more open to the world
I'd do just about anything
just for you to see
anything I could be

The poem Is my own but the picture is from a wonderful movie by Tim Burton called Corpe Bride <3

Please... don't hate me

Alrighties...
"Everything sounds creepy when you're not wearing pants" - new girl

Right.. anyway...

Lately I've been having that splendid feeling that my life is slowing going directly to hell, I've been stressed 'bout my homework, not doing it at all, wayyyyy to sleepy all the time, and I have this like... depressed feeling in my stomach half the time when I'm home so... I'm just being nerdy and lonely and not talking to anybody about this and thought:
Hey! You have a blog right? Lets post every thought you have right now, on that blog :D It's not like anybody you know is ever gonna read that! ;D ( oh dear god I truly hope not o.o )

Well.. typical teenage girl situation going on here so.. nothing to do here :flies away: right?

I guess.. I just have to get used to being this much by myself... It's just starting to bother me... I mean... last year I barely had any time where I was just me... all alone o.o and now at least 40% of my wake hours I'm just sitting not knowing what to do... and defiantly not feeling like doing my homework D:

I got my midterm grades last friday... and it's not like they're bad or anything... actually they're alright, and would be satisfacting for the most people... I just can't help it but feel disappointed ):

I guess I'll be okaii soon...


All the best of luck in this mad mad world my darlings <3








Keep on aiming for the blue blue sky
There ain't nothing wrong with crying
we all get hurt sometimes
I got hurt... before I found my way
back into your arms